“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
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Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
how long have you had this for?
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food