Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
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Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?