mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
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“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
sin harder.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
🙄😏😂🤣
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared