Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out ππΌππΌππΌ
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[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. SchrΓΆdinger
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: β¦
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: β¦
Me: β¦
Latisha: β¦
Me: β¦
Latisha: β¦
Me: Itβs chocolate.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
“I’m a little upset.” β Canadian protest sign
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today heβs telling everyone that βanacondas love honey bunsβ.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, βI donβt want thisβ yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again