She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
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@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95