If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
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(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi