[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
You Might Also Like
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.