December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends