me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
🙄😏😂🤣
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
I am never leaving this website
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.