How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
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Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*