Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Do not levitate over flowers
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.