Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
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Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
That’s enough internet for the day
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot