kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
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What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao