The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
Ummm
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
time for some seasonal decor
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
This was a bad idea all around
Guilty! 🤪
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.