*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.