*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
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I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Espa帽ol marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 馃幎 I’m too sexy for my shirt 馃幎 Too sexy for my shirt 馃幎
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let鈥檚 do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone鈥檚 playing the bagpipes.