Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
May have had one breakfast too many
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.