To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
The Seven Deadly Sins:
1. Envy
2. Gluttony
3. Greed
4. Lust
5. Pride
6. Calling Lego ‘Legos’
7. Wrath
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.