me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
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[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
he’s doing your taxes
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”