Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
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best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
Beware of fowl play.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.