adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
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You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
What the hell happened here.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know