Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
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Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Battery falling down a hole
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved