My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
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Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?