caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Lmfaoooooo
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics