My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵