Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
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[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no