[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
A smartphone that waits 20 seconds after you unlock before showing you notification indicators so it doesn’t distract you from going to do the thing you opened it for in the first place for so long you forget what it was.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats