Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse