Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
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Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?