Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
You Might Also Like
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Name another movie that mislead you?
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there