The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
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[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
All set.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*