Penguins walking in 5x speed
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I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
#parenting
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”