Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
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I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
crazy
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
TODAY
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense