I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school