My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*