It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.