doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
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whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
selena gomez
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you