If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
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Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks