Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
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You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.