my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
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How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.