“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.