I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out