I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
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I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.