Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
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Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black