interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
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What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.