Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*