Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
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In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.