me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
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my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
not seeing the problem
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.