On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
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[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.