I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My first son he is wonderful
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
sistine chapel
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.